I was talking to a close friend the other day, and the topic of relationships and committments came up. Although there was no argument and my friend and I agreed on a lot of things, the ideas and opinions it brought out were quite revealing; so this blog post, to state my opinions on the topic.
Now that the motivation for the post is established, lets look at the current situation about committments. It wouldn’t involve much looking around to find the general opinions regarding committments between a man and a woman (I’m consciously transitioning from guy to man and girl to woman; I think, now that my batchmates and I have begun working, we are full and mature adults, and not just guys or girls):
“Committment robs you of your independence. Once you are committed, you have to sacrifice everything.”
Is that extreme really so?
The word committment has been demonized so much that it is just plain looked down upon, like an ugly child no one wants to touch. In fact, committment may not even refer to a personal level of committment to a process; it can even be one’s committment towards the other’s welfare; but the word has been perverted so much that if you, being a man, so as much as say you expect more committment from a woman, or vice versa, you are plain looked down upon. It is sad that something that is the cornerstone of human relationships, personal or not, has been so negatively portrayed in society. And so it becomes that committment is uncool and restricting, whereas freewheeling pointlessly in relationships, with no accountability is completely OK.
And worse, the concept of friendship has been vandalized to accommodate this concept of a meaningless relationship. So it is now acceptable to say, if a person is unable to be committed to a relationship, that we’re just friends, so being fickle is totally acceptable; today we roll together, and tomorrow with someone else. It should have been that friendship should lead to a greater committment in a relationship; but now the entire goal has been turned on its head, and the concept is being used to avoid committments in a relationship.
But that’s about committments in friendships. As a natural progression, what about a personal relationship between a man and a woman?
I completely disagree with the belief that committment, in a personal relationship, is restricting. Firstly, unlike popular opinion, committments between a man and a woman need not result in either of the two totally losing their independence; if that were the case, it would be a total strain on the other, and that person may not really be able to take the load. It might have been true in earlier generations that women were expected to be dependent on their husbands; however, just looking past the veil, even back then, women had a considerable degree of independence over the household affairs into which the men never strayed. Today, the situation is only better. A man and a woman can coexist independently in a committed relationship; it only involves a bit of giving in to which the two parties must agree to. And if this giving in is itself too much of a hassle, then there is no meaning to such a relationship in the first place, let alone be committed; they might as well be two strangers and need not be in a relationship with each other. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who’s in it just for the heck of it, no committments and shite; if you want to be close to me, you better be serious about it.
The part about having to sacrificing everything is not true either. In fact, it doesn’t even make any sense, in today’s world where people have careers and stuff. Let me put it this way; if the guy tells you he loves you totally etc., and then says you shouldn’t really go to work since you got to stay at home to take care of the family, do you really think he really loves you? I’d say the guy doesn’t. But take people who are in a committed relationship and who have careers - either will never stop the other from pursuing his or her career since it is as important to him as it is to her. The key here is that both look at each other’s career as a way to further their combined well-being; although adjustments and sacrifices need to be made along the way, they would never be a big bother since the combined goal is always achieved. If either tried to jeopardise the other’s career, his or her wellbeing would also be ruined. And it is precisely this, which is present in a committed relationship.
And for people who are worried about the things that usually crop up in relationships - committed or not - small misunderstandings, minor expectations, major expectations - then my opinion is that such people are immature at best. It is never possible for a human relationship to be without expectations; if not anything, there will be atleast an expectation of courtesy. Personally, I have come across people for whom even this courtesy seems to be too much of an expectation. If this were the case for impersonal relationships, the personal relationship scene seems even worse. To take an example, taking the effort of spending twenty minutes of one’s time on the phone with someone who cares about you is a lot for some; no wonder some long distance relationships break up on such things as keeping in touch. I feel that such people are extremely immature. And then there are the people who do not get committed since they never know when they will meet a more interesting person; for such people, no one can save them. I only hope that the girl I eventually come across is not committment-phobic, since it is as unattractive as unattractive gets.
Looks like it has come to me through my department email server. Plus, also seems that it has been sent via the btech mailing list. Man, if this female were real, she must’ve been brilliant: one shot proposal to an entire campus of IITians!
